The Best Explanation I Can Give of Shadow Work Without Walking You Through it

Note: This article is about Tools-based shadow work. There are other methodologies that also use the term shadow work that may look nothing like this. Also, if you’re my client, your shadow work may look nothing like this. It’s a really personalized process.

First of all, what is your shadow? I mean, if you’re gonna work with it? (this question is only sort-of rhetorical, as everyone’s shadow is so vastly different) Carl Jung defined the shadow as the parts of ourselves that we repress and often consider to be negative. But Carl Jung died like a century ago so let’s not go into all the verbose ramblings of an ancient Swiss academic: Our shadows generally emerge from a time or atmosphere, often in childhood, when we felt vulnerable, abandoned, unwanted, exposed or shameful. They are aspects of our personality we prefer to shun rather than revisit because of the painful feelings we associate with them, or because we view them as sets of negative traits. Your shadow’s basically like an inner child (or adult!) that’s been neglected. Therefore there are trust issues in getting to know your shadow. But doing so is crucial in order to achieve whole self acceptance. When we get to know our shadows, we get to know ourselves, our triggers, our vulnerabilities and shame and make peace with all that we are. (Seems like a great pitch right? Who wouldn’t want to do that? Unfortunately shadow work is not easy, simple or quick.)

If you could close your eyes and think back to a time when you felt the feelings I described (shame, vulnerability, unwanted etc,) what emerges? A feeling? A memory? A version of yourself? Don’t question what emerges and don’t worry if it takes time for anything to emerge at all. Remember, we’ve spent our entire lives rejecting our shadows, constructing barriers around them- so it may be natural for your shadow not to show itself for awhile. Once something or someone presents itself to you, there you go. You’ve met your shadow.

Getting to know your shadow is going to be tougher, though. It’ll require constant check-ins so it knows you’re not just gonna abandon it again. I usually walk clients through these check-ins, picking up on cues in order to know what to ask their shadows and what to explore. You may need to apologize to your shadow for putting up a wall between you or relegating them to the back of your mind. But it takes awhile to get real answers and to be honest I’ve had clients whose shadows have spat on them, become invisible whenever they try to look directly at them, given them the finger, etc. My shadow stuck out their tongue and made a fart sound every single time I checked in with them for months. It can feel inorganic to keep checking in on your shadow during this stage, or like you’re just going through the motions. That’s ok, eventually something organic will happen. On the other hand, sometimes the beginning stages of shadow work may feel like an improv exercise, like it’s working TOO well, too fast too quick- like you may be making this up instead of having an organic interaction. Don’t worry, your shadow will eventually come in and check you if you keep speaking for them. Either way, someday, probably when you’re sick of doing this and you least expect it, you’ll get some real, vulnerable reaction from your shadow.

This may be when it’s time to ask your shadow what you can do for them. Or it may be time to just listen to what they have to say. Take your cues from them, you’ve been at the helm long enough (If it tells you to do something self destructive, however, it’s still fighting back and not ready to fully trust you) It takes a lot of context cues to figure out what to do from here, but you’ll get it eventually. Relationships are messy. Relationships with yourself are WAY messier. You’ll muddle through though (or you can hire me please hire me my rent is so expensive!) But seriously, remember who you were when you first shunned your shadow, and what (likely outside forces) pushed you to do so. Remember the context it exists in. This will help guide you. And if this entire article sounds like gibberish, at least I warned you in the beginning.