If You're A 'Worst Case Scenario' Dweller, What Do You Do Now That Your Loved Ones Might Be Too?
I’ve worked very hard on not presenting my ‘worst case scenario’ fear as objective truth to loved ones, because in a moment of panic or rumination, it feels like objective truth. It took decades of Part X work* and therapy. But now that my nervous system is more activated and the news cycle/world we live in is activating my friends and family too - now that this administration is doing things that are so horrifying and unpredictable - it’s become tough to regulate myself and present my fears appropriately once more. It’s probably become tough for a lot of people.
I’m not here to say ‘shut up, don’t share and regulate your emotions’ or invalidate your fears. I’m not denying that it’s tough to catch yourself ruminating when you’re in a spiral or panic. I’m not saying it’s inappropriate to share these fears - just that it’s hard to read the room when your fears are so strong and feel so real. Especially when you’re dealing with people who are experiencing this type of anxiety for the first time. Or people who may be more targeted by this administration than you are. It’s really important to read the room regardless of how difficult it is because community is one of the only things we can count on during uncertain - ok, terrifying times. (And hopefully my saying ‘terrifying’ is validating, not piling on your preexisting terror!!)
It’s hard to catch yourself ruminating and panicking at all, let alone when you’re panicking in response to something in the news. Something that’s very real. Something that could easily get worse. It will take lots of tries, lots of effort when you’re already emotionally exhausted. But you can do it. You can get in the habit of saying something like “I need to calm down before we speak,” trying a technique that calms you down, and then (depending on who the person is) going “Is this a good time to share some of my fears about the future or not?” If you still need to vent. If not, write them down. (Normally I’d say look at those fears later and see how silly they are but if they’re about the current political situation…maaaybe that’s a different section of your notebook/docs you don’t need to revisit for 4 years.)
As for calming techniques, I have a few to mention, but the hardest thing is going to be remembering to do them in the moment of panic, and accepting that they won’t always work. You’ll have to forgive yourself if you forgot and DID panic, and try a technique as soon as you realize you forgot to really cement the habit, even if that seems silly now that you’re feeling ok. It’ll help you remember next time.
Engaging the MDR, or Diver Response: most mammals have this thing that lowers our heart rate and rushes blood to our brains if our nervous system and arteries “believe” we just dove underwater. If you’re in a place where you can excuse yourself to the bathroom to access cold water and splash it on your face while holding your breath (Breathe when you need to! Don’t push this to extremes by any means!) or breathing very slowly you may be able to trigger this response and get your body to a calmer place so your mind can follow. It’s especially important for the cold water to get to your nose, eyes and surrounding areas (you can close your eyes though, definitely close your eyes.) You can also try an ice pack and slow breathing techniques if you can’t get to water. I can’t think of a scenario where you can get to an ice pack but not water, but I’m sure it exists for someone.
Breathing techniques: Since everyone suggests this, I’m betting you’ve tried these and they frustrate the shit out of you. But if that’s the case, you may have experienced times when they’ve worked as well. Whether it’s 4-7-8 breathing, box breathing (Sorry for the WebMD links please don’t explore WebMD further if you’re in a panic or spiraling!) or some other breathing technique, remember to keep in mind these exercises can be modified to suit your lung capacity and needs and you should try different things. It’s also helpful (and likely nobody will notice this in public) to keep a finger on your pulse while doing a breathing exercise so you can confirm your heart rate is indeed going down.
Movement: I hesitate to say exercise because this can have negative connotations to certain people and negates the artistic expression of movement, which is necessary for some as well. If you’re out buying groceries you probably don’t want to do an interpretive dance to a song that you know grounds you or speaks to you, but at home you can definitely try! (And perhaps in public you can put headphones in and walk fast to the song’s beat.) Mine is “Keep On Livin’” by Le Tigre. The lyrics are simple and cheesy enough to get to me during my dark moments, which are also cheesy. This is your time, this is your life and, KEEP ON LIVIN! But you can and should find your own song. Exercise to it, walk to it, just move to it. Have different songs for different types of panic, rumination or despair. Even moving in the car or on a bus can help if you can’t move your body. Just changing your surroundings and having some momentum can help.
If you’re open to mindfulness practices, there are a bunch of introductory meditations on YouTube and apps, as well as Dissolving Thought from The Tools practice. If you’d like to create your own, figure out which of your 5 senses affect you the most and focus deeply on or change the inputs for that sense. Have things to sniff, touch in your pockets or on your desk, sounds to listen to, or just visually observe your surroundings focusing on color, form, shape, etc. Push away any judgments you may have about any of these sensory inputs (repeatedly.) Taste might be tough. Don’t let stuff you’re saving to taste melt in your pockets, I’ve done that.
Make up your own thing. Remember the goal is to lower your heart rate, refocus your energy, and calm yourself - truly calm yourself. You don’t have to lie to yourself. Just remind yourself of the truth that you cannot predict the future. All you have is now (that’s kind of what that Le Tigre song says to me.)
You can make overall lifestyle changes to lower your reactivity in general. I already mentioned movement, but if there are other things in your life that may really be affecting your overall mood or lowering your bar for getting into a panic state, like doomscrolling, this would be something to work on for sure! Maybe limit yourself to computer scrolling and install a browser add-on that blocks social media during times of day when you know you’re most vulnerable. Also, just don’t forget to eat when you’re hungry. Food keeps you alive & stuff.
Once you’ve calmed down and can present your thoughts and fears in a more rational manner, you can check if your loved ones are in a place to hear them (if you still want to share) instead of just blurting them out in a panic or stating them as though they are objective truths. Figuring out which calming habits work when, making them your own, and sticking to them will be tough. You will fall off at some point and forget. That’s part of the process. Do not beat yourself up. It’s ok. Just get back to the habits.
I started out saying this is about loved ones and that’s still true, but the more I look at what I wrote, the more I realize you have to make these changes for yourself as well. Loved ones are just often a catalyst for this change, and community IS important to keep and foster right now. But this is also about being your better or best self. However you get to that better self, whether it’s loving others in order to better love yourself or loving yourself in order to better love others, I don’t care. Just strive for both. You deserve both. Nearly everyone’s reactive right now. If you can be a better version of yourself under these circumstances, you’ll be nearly unstoppable under normal ones.
*Are you sick of me linking to the part x articles yet?
